How to Cultivate Self-Compassion and Self-Love

In the face of our deepest struggles and greatest challenges, there is one thing that has the power to transform our lives: cultivating self-compassion and cultivating self-love. These practices are not just about feeling better in the moment; they are about changing the way we relate to ourselves and the world around us. 

A few years ago, I went through an emotionally draining chapter in my life, a series of personal challenges that left me questioning my worth and navigating through the trenches of despair and disappointment. I had taken on so much that I didn’t stop to check in with myself. I was giving and giving—whether it was to family, friends, or work—but in the process, I had completely ignored my own needs. 

Beneath it all, I was grappling with a deeper struggle—my battle with bulimia, an eating disorder I clung to in an attempt to control the fear planted in me years earlier. Growing up, I was bombarded with toxic messages, particularly from my mother, who harshly criticized obese people and often called me lazy. She would say, "If you keep going this way, you’ll end up just like them—fat, barefoot, and pregnant," and those words echoed in my mind, fueling a deep fear I couldn’t escape. 

The connection between being perceived as "lazy" and fearing obesity ran deeper. It was tied to my mother’s own insecurities about success and worth. She believed that being lazy meant being worthless, and in her mind, obesity symbolized failure—people who couldn’t control their lives. Her fear wasn’t just about my health; it was about me not living up to her ideal of success. She projected her anxieties onto me, believing that if I didn’t change, I would fail in life the way she feared others had—and the way she had. But it was never truly about laziness or obesity; it was about her own deep-rooted insecurities and fear of me being less than perfect. 

I was far from lazy—I simply didn’t want to conform to the narrow ideals my mother imposed, like running miles a day or sweating out my hair. I wanted to create and express myself, not meet impossible expectations. Her criticisms made me believe I wasn’t enough, which deepened my fear of not measuring up and intensified my anxiety about gaining weight. This emotional turmoil led me to unhealthy behaviors, including purging food several times a day, thinking it was the only way to maintain control over my body and my worth. It became a vicious cycle, a way to cope with the overwhelming fear of failure and inadequacy. 

Looking back, I see how my mother’s own lack of self-worth was projected onto me. Her fears of failure led her to unconsciously shape my life, passing down those same insecurities. This pressure fueled my own self-doubt, making me feel like I was constantly battling impossible standards. The bulimia became a twisted coping mechanism for managing the fear of not being enough. 

But eventually, I reached a moment of clarity. I realized bulimia wasn’t about food—it was a way to avoid the pain of not feeling good enough, a form of emotional self-rejection. I was trying to silence the insecurities planted in me years ago, without realizing that my value had never been tied to my appearance. The act of purging wasn’t just about food; it was about punishing myself for feelings I hadn’t learned to process or embrace. 

So, I made the decision to nurture a positive self-image—and I did it by starting with the most basic yet transformative tool: journaling. At first, it was difficult. I wasn’t used to writing about myself in a compassionate way. But slowly, day by day, I began to see the impact. I started asking myself: "How can I be kind to myself today?" That simple question shifted everything. 

I also leaned on some of the powerful techniques for cultivating self-love that I came across through my reading and conversations with mentors. I reflected on what it meant to love myself without conditions, without waiting for anyone else to validate my worth. And as I worked through this, my emotions began to heal. 

I remember reading an interview with Marie Forleo and Danielle LaPorte, where they discussed how self-compassion can help us stop chasing an impossible ideal. Danielle emphasized that we don’t need to be perfect—we need to be real with ourselves. This resonated deeply with me. I had been holding myself to unattainable standards, and it was exhausting. 

Another powerful resource was Brené Brown’s discussion with Chris Germer about fierce compassion. They talked about how compassion isn’t about excusing poor behavior or making excuses, but rather about seeing ourselves with empathy and kindness, even when we make mistakes. This changed my perspective entirely. I learned to be gentle with myself without letting myself off the hook for growth. 

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